The Pet Peeve (or Can You Not Do That, Please?)

Look.  I say please…a lot.  I was taught Please and Thank You and Bless You and Excuse Me and all the other niceties we share on a daily basis.  But pet peeves, or things that annoy, are a whole different ball of wax.  Different game, different rules.  There are things that get under our skin – actions by others that we don’t get – and they bother us to beat the band.  These pet peeves we’ve developed in life are subjective – your peeve may not be my peeve…by a mile.  So what makes them grate against our sense of well-being?  I mean, what does it matter if someone chews with their mouth open?  Or taps their pencil incessantly when you’re trying to work?  Or blows their nose at the dinner table while you’re still eating?  (Oh, sorry, that’s my husband.  He has a bit of a sinus issue and I forgive him because, well, that’s love.)

Here’s a list of some of my personal pet peeves (the list has evolved over the years):

Please cut the thread closure that holds your kick pleat closed.  Like on the back of your jacket, blazer or skirt.  It’s meant to be temporary – until you buy it.  If you don’t cut it and open the “flap”, you look like you have an odd X on the back of your garment.

Please cut off the “Made of 100% Wool” tag that’s sewn onto the sleeve of your winter coat.  It’s not meant to remind you or anyone else the material of your garment as you go about your day.  It’s odd.

Please don’t say “No problem” when I’ve just said Thank You.  I don’t know what the problem was in the first place, so telling me it’s not a problem makes me wonder what the problem is.  The standard response is “You’re Welcome.”

Please don’t try and top everything I say.  You are not the King or Queen of the World.  And even if you were, your experiences are not meant to override everyone else’s.  If you insist on topping, I will call you Topper to your face.

Please wear your shoes in the appropriate arenas.  Most of us don’t have foot model feet so it’s not a bad idea to keep them encased in shoes, socks and most importantly moisturizing foot cream.  I especially ask this for my friend Jessica who has a huge pet peeve about feet in the airport.  Enough said.

Please don’t pick your nose at a stop light.  We see you.  And kids, although we understand you are still discovering your nose and it gets stuffy up in there, ask your parents for a tissue.  It will help you later in life.

Please cover your mouth when you cough or your nose when you sneeze.  You should’ve learned this early on, but in case you didn’t, get with the program.  I can feel your germs floating in my direction.

Please men – can you gently lower the seat after you’ve gotten urine all over the place?  It’s the least you can do.  Is it asking too much?

Please do not argue in public.  I get it – you’re annoyed.  But is it fair to annoy everyone around you as well?  No need to answer that.  The answer is No.

Please, please, please – if someone casually and graciously say’s Hello to you in your apartment building or in the hallway at work or wherever – it’s only polite to say Hello or Hi in return.  It doesn’t mean you need to do anything else – no obligation of chit-chat needed – just a simple greeting to another human being.  The exception to this rule is you are under no obligation to say Hello to serial killers – in this instance, rudeness can save your life.

Please don’t point at my food and say “You gonna eat that?” as if I’m about to eat leftover dog poop from the sidewalk.  If you’re interested in what I’m ingesting, or have a question about it, or would like a taste, feel free to smile and inquire with class.

Please don’t lick your fingers as if it’s the last food you will eat for the next year.  There is more wherever that juice/sauce/marinade came from.  Napkins are your best friend in this circumstance.  Oh, and by the way, the napkin goes on your lap while you’re eating – ready and waiting for your mess.

Please don’t sing if you have the voice of a frog.

Please don’t let your dog continue to bark because you feel he is just doing “his dog thing.”

Please clean out your car every once in a while.  Especially if you wish to have passengers.  I would rather not sit on a leftover french fry from your latest drive-thru visit.

Please don’t give your honest opinion about the meal if you are guest in my home and I’ve cooked you a nice supper and you don’t like something.  Just nod your head and say it’s delicious and thank you for inviting me.  And if you really didn’t like it, tell me you’re a vegetarian next time.  Or that you’re on a Keto/Paleo/Gluten-Free diet and you are not allowed to eat.  It works every time.

Please don’t take the last helping…of anything.  Chances are someone else didn’t get a portion and you’ve just become the food hoarder never to be invited back again.

Please don’t get within an inch of my face when you are talking to me.  My eyes get blurry when you’re too close.  Don’t worry – I can hear you from a foot away.

Please pay attention to what you’re wearing at the beach or by the pool.  They used to wear entire swim outfits in the water – so more cloth is not necessarily a bad thing.

Please beware your expert criticism.  People’s feelings are not rocks.

Please don’t drag race or drive too fast by me – you are endangering other people’s lives, including mine.  Although I perfectly understand this makes me sound like an old person, I was young once too and rode on motorcycles, in fast cars, and drove when I shouldn’t have.  But I’ve matured – and so should you.

Please look up from your darned cell phone once in awhile so you don’t get run over.  Or fall into a fountain.  Or become a robot.

Please take only a maximum of 25 selfie shots per outing.

Please don’t be rude to old people.  They are young people inside older bones.

Please stop buying a pack of gum with your debit card.  There is a thing called cash and it still works quite nicely.

Please return the books you borrow from your friends and the library.  Otherwise, just go to the bookstore and spend your own money on books that you will never read or misplace or will tuck away on some dusty bookcase never to be found again.  You will be labeled a Bad Book Borrower.

Please try to get your directions correct.  If you say I’m going up to Florida, you are wrong (unless you are coming from outside the United States.)  If you live in NY, you better learn your sense of direction PDQ or you will be consistently lost.  If your compass app fails, use the sun.

Please, for the sake of us fast movers in NYC, please don’t stop dead on the sidewalk or at the top (or the bottom) of the subway stairs.  You will cause a pile up of humanity.

Please don’t put your fingers in my water glass.  If you’re wait staff, use a tray to carry beverages.

Please wipe your mouth as much as possible.  Nothing worse than seeing someone’s lunch debris hanging from their lip.

Please try to turn off your car alarm as quickly as possible.  The only thing getting robbed is people’s sanity.

And pretty please, can websites stop with the pop-ups?!!!  You’re blocking my view.  And if one more opt-in pop-up offers me the No Thanks option of “No Thanks, I don’t like discounts” (or No Thanks, I hate saving money) or even worse, the decline option to an invitation to some exciting event and I’m given this choice, “No Thanks, I’m a homebody” (aka loser) – I will look for your CEO and send them emails with pop-ups noting “No Thanks, I hate your company because you’ve insulted me as a customer.  Have a great day!”

In case I didn’t make myself clear, not much annoys me.  Really.