Toast This!

I just need to get something off my chest.

I bought a new toaster recently. It’s made by one of those household giants – Sunbeam or Black & Decker – whatever was cheapest. It’s plain, plastic, 2-slots, nothing fancy. Just your average, basic white-bread toaster, right?

I take it out of the box, plug it in…done. So to my surprise (and I don’t know why I’m surprised because every product has one) I pull out the paperwork, which includes a Users Manual. A USERS MANUAL folks – for TOAST! Ok – how dumb are we??? Hmmm – let me think about this. I stare at my toaster, wondering what other uses I can have for it besides toasting bread. Well, perhaps I can use it to dry my fine linens or lingerie…no, sounds dangerous. Or maybe I can use it as a heater when my landlord doesn’t supply enough in the dead of winter. Or maybe I can use it to electrocute myself in the bathtub one morning as I decide to make a bacon and egg sandwich while washing up. I mean, COME ON!

For those who don’t understand the nature of a toaster, I took the liberty of pulling up a Viking Professional Toaster Use and Care Instructions manual online (mine is NOT a Viking mind you, no Mercedes toaster for me). I figured since it’s a “professional” line, maybe there is some exciting magic I can learn about toasting.

USING YOUR VIKING PROFESSIONAL TOASTER
Please use these setup instructions before attempting to use this toaster. Failure to follow the instructions may result in injury or voiding of warranty.

Setup Instructions:
1. Locate unit on a solid, level countertop near an electrical supply the same as indicated on rating plate.
2. Check crumb tray to make sure it is in place and there is nothing in the toaster slot.
3. Make sure loading handle is in the raised position. Plug power cord into the wall outlet.

Toasting Instructions:
1. Place bread centrally into toaster slots.
2. Adjust the selector switch for proper toasting.
3. Press the loading handle down until it latches. This will begin the toasting cycle.
4. When toasting is complete, the loading handle will return to the raised position.
5. Toasted bread may now be removed and more slices loaded. If toast is not dark enough, knob may be adjusted for darker toasting, this may also be adjusted for lighter toasting.

To stop toasting during the cycle simply lift the lever to the upright position.

OK – so let me get this right – put bread in toaster, push handle for “toaster cycle” to begin, the handle will pop up when toast is done, and toast may then be removed (and others loaded, if you’re feeling like a pig and need to eat a boatload of toast.) And don’t forget – if you want to stop the toasting at any time, you need to lift the lever to the raised position.

Phew – I don’t know about you, but that’s kind of confusing. It’s too much pressure. Those non-cooks of us are screwed. How will we ever make it out of the kitchen on Sunday morning with our egos intact if we burn the bread?

Viking does continue in their manual with notes on browning – I don’t know – is this for varietys sake…Monday light toast, Tuesday darker toast, and so on? And not for nothing, since Viking is a top of the line home appliance maker, a 3 year warranty (per their manual) just doesn’t cut it for me. NASA can make shuttles that thrust through cosmic particles, but Viking can’t make a toaster that can last beyond a few years?? Hmmm – if my math is right, and I buy a new Viking toaster every 3 years starting at age 22, (and with a lifespan of about 85 – I’m hoping – but I may have to stop buying toasters at 80 when I go into the assisted living home because I think it’s against the rules and I may burn down the place if I’m toasting and need to go to the bathroom), that means I will buy an average 19.1 toasters in my lifetime at approximately $200 a pop (Viking’s cost, mine was only about $30, cheapo) for the total cost of about $3800 (without sales tax figured in.) Whoa, Nellie. That’s alot of bread for browned bread. And even if you go with my rinky-dink 2-slice cheap piece of plastic engineering, it’s still going to run you $570 plus tax. Perhaps our little toaster manufacturers out to learn how to keep the toast a-toasting longer than my toothbrushes life span (ewww, no, I change my toothbrush every time that blue line wears down, another rip off.)

But – I do love my toast. Is there anything better than the smell of bread baking or toasting? As a kid, my sister and I used to go the this little local lunch counter/penny candy store, and we would sit up on the stools and order 2 pieces of buttered toast and a grape drink, which came in those paper cone cups with the plastic stand. (And no, we didn’t walk 5 miles to school, in the snow, up hill…). I don’t remember the cost – but it was cheap…and it was tasty. Why we felt the need to pay for toast with our small allowances, I have no idea. Perhaps mom’s toaster just didn’t cut it. It is a delicious memory, no manual necessary.